I have a disease, and the only prescription is more tumblr.

 

leslieknope:

shoutout to the best onion article of all time


Shoutout to blurry googly eyes behind her

leslieknope:

shoutout to the best onion article of all time

Shoutout to blurry googly eyes behind her

2 things that are true

-A significant portion of TV commercials are overtly sexual in nature

-My Grandma watches A LOT of TV

mcdolands:

Me: “dad am i adopted?”
Dad:no, ur David. why woud anyone name you ‘Adopted’? even if we wanted to, ur name was already David when we adopted you

Careers Councillor: What is your career aspiration?

Me: to be a Haim sister

Careers Coucillor: But you're not-

Me: TO BE A HAIM SISTER

Wanna hear the best dream I ever had?

I’m in the audience of Saturday Night Live and Justin Bieber is hosting and he’s doing this musical theatre kind of monologue thing. So he comes into the audience and walks straight to me and he’s gesturing like I’m suppose to get up, but I just unzip my hoodie and I’m wearing this homemade shirt with “justin bieber sucks” penned across a banner with vines and flowers in a border around it and I’m pretty much like “no thanks” and I pull out my phone and ignore him. He tries again to get me to play along but I dont look up. It’s clear that he’s not getting the hint so I casually get up and walk to the top of the bleachers and sit by myself.

By now all of this has messed up the timing of what he was supposed to be doing and he tries to get back on track, but the next part of his act is to do this song an dance thing up the stairs but he starts in too early and has to stop and wait for the music and it’s just a train wreck.

At the commercial break he comes up to me and I can see he’s trying to be nice but he’s like “you know it’s really stressful performing on live tv so generally you should just go with it” and I feel a little bit bad so I say “yeah it was kinda shitty but you should have just picked someone else” and now he seems to be a little emotional so he puts on a pair of sunglasses to hide his tears and in a shaking voice basically repeats what he already said. I don’t respond, he walks away and as soon as he’s gone I start texting my friend “you better watch SNL tonight”. But I have this bad feeling that they’ll cut that segment when they air the show on the west coast and no one I know will ever get to see me dissing Bieber

floatingkhoshekh:

why the fuck did I put off nine pages of German homework until the night before

why must I always do this to myself

Nine or nein?